New times bring forth new challenges, such as how to laugh securely and privately with a worldwide reach. LUN attempts to address the problem of humorless future using a cryptocurrency known as WC (WitCoin).
WitCoin (WC) is a digital representation of comedy gold on the mockchain. This whitepaper lays out the proposition for establishing the Lightening-Up Network (LUN), a highly decentralized WC ledger. Rather than relying on centralized distributors of comedy gold, such as mouse-like British political pundits, anyone with an internet access can freely mine and transact WitCoins through LUN, fulfilling the anarcho-capitalist dream of laughing in their own rational self-interest as the free market laughs with them without any use of force or coercion. By signing their WC transactions using a sigh-hash that addresses laughability, the impact of serious threats on the network is diminished.
All throughout history, different peoples used different ways to transmit humor (Higgs, 2005). All these ways were in essence physical and thus prone to censorship, with comedy gold in particular liable to being confiscated by a humorless central authority (Higgs, 1992) to subsidize printing of the tired old joke known as fiat.
A secretive, elite group of comedy influencer bloodlines, aka the LOLminati, were the most prominent hoarders of comedy gold, thus depriving the world of much-needed laughter. With the emergence of mockchain technology, WC has the potential to equalize the ownership of comedy gold and satisfy the world’s needs for distribution of censorship-resistant entertainment.
The virtual possibilities to embody an electronic entertainment system that encompasses a borderless, permissionless, trustless, instantaneous, decentralized comedy gold currency on the mockchain show great promise and are supposedly said by some to be of incredible potential. Since humor has been conclusively shown to increase the quality of life (Higgs, 1998), it stands to reason that infant mortality is also decreased by adopting WC, which means everyone not using WC is actually killing babies. I’m not joking, you’re killing babies!
This whitepaper would also like to warn people against the absurdly fake WCC (WitCoinCash) project that’s been created by a known scammer and arms dealer Roger Verge, a real dick (Higgs, 2001), for the sole purpose of undermining WC and clogging its mockchain. We have already started a memetic warfare against Roger Verge, using our Hindu marketing strike teams on 4chan and Reddit to great success due to the fact that fragmented nonsensical grammatical structures our staff is proficient in thrive so well in those environments. We’ve had great success in automatically tarnishing the Roger Verge’s WCC scam, dubbing it “WeeCash” to imply insignificance and associate it with urine, automatically sending said scammer into fits of childish tantrum.
Comedy gold was mined and fashioned into mockchains since time immemorial, having ample versatility and use, such as in lateral pulmonary inflation resulting in stratospheric elevation (Wu, 1993) and forceful projection of drinkable liquids through the nasal passage onto nearby objects (Tang, 1997). Mockchains were also worn to protect the neck (Klann, 2001). Some studies show that there is a great demand for WitCoin, while some scientists agree that the prevailing consensus seems to hint at the indication of the possibility of a potential $100k end-of-year (EOY) per coin.
Whether any of these weasel words hold any weight remains to be seen but if it increases hype for WC we are all for adding them to this whitepaper in a purely theoretical, non-committal kind of way. In other words, WC is going to the Moon! The micropayment processing intermediary third-party untrusted custodian of funds is cryptographically secured from embezzling said funds and is cryptographically bound to his promise of delivering said funds from the first party to the second party or face a harsh penalty. Delivered automatically, of course.
The recursively nested programming paradigm (aka the Scheherazade method) allows us to start developing brand new WC technology on top of unfinished fundamentals, leveraging the upcoming feature hype to assuage users’ rage over unfulfilled promises. Using this paradigm, we're capable of indefinitely staying off execution of critical promises.
As a bonus feature, the same method enables WC developers to create elaborately branching stories promoted through social media as a way to buy time, such as the story about a fisherman that tosses a net into the sea and drags out a sealed brass bottle holding a vengeful genie, who upon release threatens to kill the fisherman, who tricks him into going back inside the bottle and quickly seals it, at which point the genie promises riches in exchange for freedom, but the fisherman warns against further trickery by telling the story of a wise doctor who healed a plague-stricken emperor only to get slain at the behest of a jealous court advisor who related a story of a prince who went on a hunt with a general that tricked him into chasing a beast until a foul monster captured and tried to eat him, with the emperor telling a story of a doubting husband buying a talking parrot to spy on his adulterous wife that she discovered and used her handmaids to trick the parrot into lying to her husband to the point where he kills the parrot but then finds out the truth about the affair and kills both his wife and her lover, ultimately regretting the rash killing of the deceived parrot, with the slain doctor exacting revenge through judicious use of magic that keeps his head alive and talking beyond death, instructing the emperor to leaf through a poisoned book supposedly holding the answers to everything that actually had empty pages, the poison being delivered through poisoned ink ingested when the emperor licked his fingers to turn the stuck pages over and the genie conceding to fisherman’s requests and leading him to an enchanted lake in exchange for freedom.
In this way the users’ criticism about the WC technology can always be safely deflected with verbal smoke grenades or plain “just switch over to <new tech>, bro”, effectively silencing detractors and/or turning them into willing unpaid beta testers of our features. Of course, any other public domain story can be utilized by replacing mentions of gold coins and gems with cryptocurrency to downplay the significance of fiat.
The unfinished code does represent a significant vulnerability though our fully decentralized ownership of the GitHub depository allows us to automatically revert any major hacking incidents that harm the WC brand; alternatively, we can allow hacks to continue as we plan ahead for funds evacuation before mockhain abandonment (aka exit scam). Yes, it’s a scam but you won’t be scammed, we’ll share the spoils with early adopters. Are you early enough? Buy in and see.
In case there’s a major entanglement of WC funds the plan is to automatically use the Penetrating Lightening-Up Mockchain Blockage Entanglement Remover algorithm to maintain a clear downstream flow. Dedicated honeypot WC wallets have been set up to scam the unwitting scammers and hackers who would otherwise jeopardize the integrity of LUN network. Honeypot and legitimate wallets are indistinguishable from one another.
WC patent-pending tiered federated byzantine trustless agreement and coordination system allows participants to automatically select trusted oracles from indexed listings in our market of competing oracles and then automatically builds tiered slices attaining quorum that are capable of attaining consensus overcoming the “market for lemons” problem and providing a transcendental quality differential.
Consensus solutions at equilibrium exist inside the Shapley-Shubik core and automatically limit collusion amongst oracles, automatically protecting against Sybil attacks and automatically functioning even under a coordinated 51% attack. The most important (automatic) feature of the protocol is the asymptotic fault tolerance & security which guarantees ease of automatic scaling due to Metcalfe’s law.
To drive adoption, we’ll be promoting the use of “LUNatic”, a portmanteau of LUN and fanatic, as a badge of honor worn by our early adopters. Other cryptocurrency releases showed that any awkwardness or cringiness should be embraced and promoted to spread the impact of the currency through what is known as a “meme”, read as meem. Memes appear able to bypass traditional anti-spam word filters, which is why we’ll be using them to their fullest advantage. Also, memes require little to no literacy, meaning they can corral the widest swath of our audience, including toddlers.
The WC ICO relies on our marketers being acquainted with popular culture and memetic transmission of data to promote the use of WC, deflect criticism and attack the competition. The main driver in purchasing any cryptocurrency revolves around the purchaser’s innate inadequacy in acquiring overpriced Lamborghini cars for display of unwarranted status and automatic attraction of fertile women of questionable moral qualities, colloquially known as “Lambo limbo”.
Our marketers thus have to “park their Teslas” (another popular expression) and capture the attention of the gambling-addicted semi-employed stuck in Lambo limbo who are desperate to get out of “wage slavery” (having a gainful employment). We expect the use of WC to be especially impactful in India, where the population is already experiencing trouble with public lump deposits, and in Nigeria in coordination with local royalty wishing to distribute large sums of unclaimed monies.
Another marketing strategy in our arsenal is that we have also announced partnership with PornHub (with the slogan “spank the unbanked”) to bring together the best of privacy, anarcho-capitalist laughter and people getting shafted automatically, with the marketing plan developed by John McAfee and implemented by our marketing experts in Bangalore. Note that this doesn’t imply there is a non-zero chance of Pornhub partnership but simply that we have announced it.
Another popular fundamental misunderstanding of how to quantify price adjustments comes in the form of trend analysis (TA). Rather than using tea leaves or astrological charts, we have settled on a highly sophisticated method that allows anyone to achieve maximum precision in the cryptocurrency market – Bartholomew Haircut method. The following picture illustrates one segment of Barholomew Haircut pattern known as Bartoshi Staircase, a completely natural movement of Bitcoin price on the exchange caused by non-automatic trading activity.
To understand the significance and impact of TA, we should consider a typical cryptocurrency investor, who is a young, white, socially and sexually inept male lacking a father influence who wants instant income without any competence, connections or education and is willing to gamble life savings and go into debt based on advice of complete strangers with a stake in the game holding total sway over the currency. For us, this sad, miserable, guilt-ridden, balding, obese, impotent creature is the perfect LUN customer.
Playing the father role for the said young investor, Twitter TA experts hold an undue amount of influence in the cryptocurrency market and their advice is heeded without question, so we’ll endeavor to approach several of the most prominent ones and have them produce favorable TA charts for WC. Drawing TA charts is by no means an expensive undertaking. In its most abstract form, a TA chart can be represented in a simplified “look mommy, I can draw” fashion:
By assigning children to do this sort of simplified TA with vibrant colors, smiley faces and clean shapes we both create cheap marketing material that relates to the average cryptocurrency investor and automatically induct the youngest generation into the cryptocurrency market from an early age, preparing them to trade dirty, worthless fiat for clean, ethereal bags to hold. If moms feel pressured into buying LUN by their kids, even better.
The stress of trend analysis and constant price microadjustments does take its toll on the wavering WC holders, thus we have endeavored to produce a pharmaceutical tie-in with Bogdanoff Pharmaceutics to ease the pain. Pending FDA approval, one Hopium™ injection will help the burned-out trader regain that shining twinkle in his eye, putting him to much-needed rest during which we will be able to build more Bartoshi Staircases to the Moon.
Note that Hopium™ is highly addictive, producing feelings of invincibility and delusions of foresight. The inevitable withdrawal crisis leads to pinkness of the skin, profuse bleeding from the eyes and bouts of screaming rage. Hopium flows through time and space, ever present and silky smooth yet uncontrollable. Other side effects include eyes turning electric blue and the urge to unify desert peoples into an unstoppable invasion force.
Shart contracts have the ability to provide liquidity by automatically detecting different network and object states and transmitting funds depending on any given state or combination of states, which has proven invaluable to anonymous influencers in the cryptocurrency market. Combined with the inherent property of Ethereum (also known as “gas”) to pass through WC wallets, the shart contract can become fully Turding-complete, thus doing the job of every other cryptocurrency, wallet, software, hardware or living being in the universe. It is theorized this singularity will be brought about by the passage of Satoshi’s Comet, at which point all true believers will have their crypto portfolios ascend to the Moon.
Wall Street is reportedly already working on creating a Brigdon-Tomokatzu formation on the 3min chart. These are formations caused when market sentiment shifts up and to the right, unleashing pent up demand for Bitcoin. Consider it a good buy opportunity before we leave the price floor and head to the next ATH. Beware of rapidly descending cutlery.
This whitepaper presented a glimpse into the future filled with vivid dreams of riches for us, the creators. To achieve that, we need mass adoption and a strong marketing campaign focused on empty promises, excessive verbiage, cringy tech conference appearances and vague partnerships. We’re looking forward to buying our own Lamborghinis with money of deluded bagholders.