Neddard Stark wakes up to see the king and the queen by his bed. Cersei engages harridan mode and the king throws a right hook at her. It's not a slap but an actual boxing punch. Robert drinks wine and throws the Hand pin at Neddard.
Daenerys puts her avocado in the embers. It's still not ripe. Servant girl sees her pick it up but there are no burns; the servant girl gets burned by the avocado.
Bran dreams of a three-eyed raven and wakes up. His saddle is ready. He is happy. He's riding a horse. Four bums surround Bran, who is on a horse and can speed away, taking him hostage. Robb kills two and takes one hostage while Theon 360° no-scopes the fourth. Robb is jealous and calls him a hacker.
Tyrion nearly falls off the Eyrie tower cell. He uses his wit on Mord, who is immune to Charisma, Wisdom and Intelligence rolls. Mord charges in, slaps Tyrion with a blackjack then storms out and locks the door.
Syrio slaps Arya with his thick accent. They practice.
Daenerys does Raw Food Diet. Predictably, she vomits but eats the heart again. Mongol Khan Drogo does a PUA spinout move on her. Viserys goes to steal avocadoes but Jorah stops him.
Tyrion triggers Mord by talking about abstract concepts. Mord is immune to abstract concepts and slaps him some more. Tyrion does some stand-up in front of Lysa and her audience. Autistic kid loves it. Thanks to Plot Armor, Tyrion isn't immediately thrown down the tower and even gets a trial by combat, with Bronn fighting and winning him freedom by defeating Ser Redshirt.
King Robert goes boar hunting on foot, drinking wine, carrying a toothpick spear and with three men who have one sword between them. How is boar hunting done? With a contigent of well-armed men on horses with hunting dogs to sniff the boar out and direct him towards the hunting party. No surprise the king later dies to the boar, which can have up to 200kg of body weight and a low center of gravity, allowing it to slam a man like a pickup truck at 40 km/h, knocking him over and ripping his guts out. Robert drinks wine.
Neddard Stark listens to a baby boomer's complaints and orders Tywin Lannister, the wealthiest man in the world who owns the king's treasury, arrested based off of a sack of seafood as proof. Gotta pay those pensions. Littlefinger relishes the events but even he is worried. Neddard asks, "How come Robert is king and not Tywin?" A poignant question indeed.
Tyrion is let free and even does a curtsy. He pays Mord.
Sansa is sewing. She does the basic bitch routine on her chaperone. Joffrey walks in and gives her a pendant necklace. He goes beta boy and completely loses his frame but she gives him a kiss.
Theon's whore is moving out on a turnip cart to cleaner bedsheets. He's jealous and fails her shit test, paying her for nudes.
Neddard is finally sending his daughters home. They object. Sansa gets baby rabies. Arya's smirking because she hasn't hit puberty yet. Neddard concludes Joffrey is a bastard by reading the Tome of Exposition and noticing hair color discrepancies.
Mongols are having a rave. Daenerys is smiling. Viserys is wasted and makes a scene while packing steel. The DJ stops the music. Viserys drops the title. Mongol Khan Drogo melts gold in 10 seconds over a 1,064 °C fire, giving him the Crassus treatment.