Tywin is foreshadowing a deer. Jamie can't think of anything clever to say and "could care less" what people think of him. Jamie is bothered that people call him 'kingslayer'. Tywin gives him 30k soldiers and holds the "make me proud, son" speech.
Cersei tells Neddard he's in pain and should go home. Neddard says he knows about her PornHub activity and that Bran saw them. Cersei tacitly admits. Cersei continues to live. Neddard tells her to pack her shit and walk away, which a woman who ordered a boy killed without hesitation is sure to do quietly. Cersei drops the title.
Littlefinger is on a porn set in a brothel he owns. He scolds two lesbos, one of which is Theon's whore. He directs them to act better. They can't follow his directing vision. He's overthinking it and spills his guts to the lesbos. Littlefinger is a brothel owner.
Captured bum is working hard. Theon tells her she's lucky and expositions about the Iron Islands. She owns him verbally. You go grrrl. He leans in for a kiss but the crypt keeper cockblocks him. She foreshadows about horrors north of Trump's Wall.
At Trump's Wall, Jon and Jon Tron are on a lookout. Jon Tron pines for girls. A riderless horse approaches, thankfully allowing Jon to change the subject. Jon and Jon Tron come down to inspect it – uncle Benjen's horse.
Neddard is informed a boar ripped the king open. Whoa, what a shocker. The king is on his deathbed. Joffrey tears up and walks out. King says he missed his thrust due to too much wine. Another shocker. King can only think about food and starts coughing. Everyone but Neddard is told to leave. King dictates a proclamation Neddard starts writing down, "You are the regent until Joffrey grows up, give it to the council. Wait until I'm dead". Too bad all the witnesses left, that will sound plausible. King admits Daenerys should be left to live and asks Neddard to correct Joffrey. The scene drags on. The king coughs some more and asks Neddard to leave. The scene really drags on.
Mongol Khan Drogo talks with Daenerys. She braids his hair and nags him about the Iron Throne, "The Joneses have an iron chair, why don't we?". He tells her sitting in chairs causes poor circulation, which is surprisingly accurate. At the Mongol market, Jorah tells Daenerys to be patient and she'll get poor circulation too. She is upset because killing Viserys removed one legitimate heir to the Iron Throne. Jorah tells her she needs force and that dragons make things easier. A kid with X-ray vision hands him a sealed royal pardon, a blindingly white piece of paper with a vivid red wax seal. Jorah holds it in plain view of everyone nearby while lost in his thoughts.
A merchant delivers Daenerys a cask of poisoned wine. Jorah tells the merchant to taste the wine. He says he's been a member of AA for years. Daenerys tells him to stop being a pussy and drink it. The merchant tries to run away on foot in a Mongol market surrounded by Mongols riding horses in a Mongol land. He runs 2m before being caught.
At Trump's Wall, some guy holds a pep speech to the Mötley Trüpp. Morale somehow seems even lower. Jon Tron tells Jon to be happy, "You'll be a ranger". The Mötley Trüpp is about to take a vow. Jon is told to go north of Trump's Wall and pray to the weirdwood. Jon Tron volunteers to go with him. He's got a mancrush. Everyone in Mötley Trüpp is assigned to a squad. That's it, guys, the final school bell has been rung. Jon is given the easiest task – changing commander's sheets next to a cozy fire. He whines about not riding a horse and getting frostbite. Perspectives, man. Pyp, another from the Mötley Trüpp, says Jon's lucky as long as he isn't being sexually assaulted. Jon Tron tells Jon he'll be a commander and says he wanted to be a wizard.
Neddard Stark is approached by Renly, who suggests a coup with "a hundred swords" and prince-napping. Neddard is confused, as usual. Renly proclaims himself better king material. Neddard refuses because he doesn't want to drag frightened children out of their beds. I'm sure Cersei will show the same level of restraint.
Neddard writes and sends a letter to Stannis. Littlefinger walks in. He's bitter because Neddard is the regent. Stannis is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. Littlefinger tells him Joffrey should be on the Iron Throne. Littlefinger tells Neddard to be smart and return Tyrion and use his daughters as pawns with Lannisters. Neddard is confused and refuses. Littlefinger is fuming but still smiling. He should be all the main characters.
At Trump's Wall, Jon and Jon Tron go north to the weirdwood to take a vow, "I shall take no wife, wear no crowns, win no glory" etc. Yeah, they'll be breaking each of those clauses by the show's end. Ghost finds a human forearm, frozen solid.
Daenerys and Jorah discuss merchant's fate. Jorah freaks her out, "You will never be safe". Mongols walk in with torches and Mongol Khan Drogo, who gifts Jorah a horse and almost hugs him. Mongol Khan Drogo says he finally wants to sit in a chair, rape women, children, men, houses, statues, gods, stars, horses, ships and iron suits. Daenerys is happy; she will finally overtake Joneses. Merchant is stripped naked and tied to run behind a horse. I didn't need to see that.
Neddard is informed by a servant that the king has died. Littlefinger tells Neddard the City Watch is his. Varys tells him Renly ran away with some people. Neddard limps into the throne room. Joffrey is already seated on the Iron Throne surrounded by guards. Joffrey says he will be accepting oaths of fealty and orders his coronation within 14 days. Neddard makes a feeble plea at Ser Barristan's sense of honor. Uh, the guy has already chosen a side. Neddard hands him the letter the king dictated on his deathbed. Cersei asks to see the letter and rips it apart. Cersei tells Neddard to bend the knee. Neddard orders Cersei and Joffrey arrested. Mexican standoff ensues. Littlefinger betrays Neddard and turns the City Watch against him.