Arya and Syrio are playing. Meanwhile, total carnage in the throne room. Syrio tells her how to throw Hadoukens. Carnage spills out into the streets. Sansa and chaperone hear the chaos. Sansa runs away. Chaperone slowly walks towards the guards. Arya and Syrio are still playing. Syrio is a cheater. Guards enter and ask Arya to come with them. She and Syrio pick up their wooden swords. Syrio cuts them with his thick accent. Arya watches instead of running then finally runs into a corridor.
Sansa runs into the Hound. Arya is outside. Stable boy takes her hand. Arya joins #MeToo and stabs him with the most erect of phallic weapons: her Needle. Make of that what you will. Neddard wakes up underground. Varys brings light and some water. Wonders why nobody trusts him. Neddard asks about his daughters. Arya is missing; Sansa is still here. Neddard accuses him of being neutral. Varys says yeah, how do you think I survive. Varys says that Neddard's mercy killed the king. Varys says he serves the realm and walks out.
At Trump's Wall, Mötley Trüpp recovers two corpses. Jon Tron notices they haven't rotten. Jon wants them burned. Commander summons Jon inside and they drink some beer. Commander shares the news: king is dead and Neddard is charged with treason.
Sansa is being gaslit by the council. Cersei ovaryblocks her. Master Pycelle calls her a traitor in the making. Littlefinger says she's innocent. Cersei tells her to write to Robb and Catelyn Janeway about keeping the peace by bending the knee to Joffrey. Sansa wants to see Neddard. Cersei is disappointed but offers the quill. Sansa takes it.
Robb reads Sansa's letter. Crypt keeper interprets it for him. Robb wants the banners called. Robb's hands are trembling.
Catelyn Janeway learns about the news. Lysa mocks her while cuddling with her teenage boy. They have a dumb conversation. Catelyn Janeway is shocked her perverted sister doesn't want to help.
Tyrion and Bronn are strolling down a forest path. They talk about starving. They bond. Night has fallen and they've made camp. Tyrion is asleep. Bronn wakes him up and makes a shiiiing. Vikings surround them. Tyrion is asked how he would like to die. He does stand-up comedy and promises them money. Vikings look at one another; the halfman's Plot Armor has a powerful AC rating.
Jon is being called out as a traitor's bastard. He lashes out with a knife but Mötley Trüpp members stop him. Commander tells him he's confined to his quarters for lashing out instead of punishing the agitator. Ghost wants to go outside. Jon lets him out and follows. Ghost leads to a door and whines. Jon enters and orders Ghost to stay. There's nobody inside. Jon gets pinned against the wall by one of two zombie corpses who also closes the door. Jon stabs him with a sword. Zombie falls. Commander appears all of a sudden. Zombie is still alive. Jon sets him on fire with a lantern and they run.
Mongols are pillaging. They take slaves and sell them to slavers for gold. Daenerys is shocked. Welcome to being a horde princess. A Mongol offers cutting out tongues of women so she doesn't hear their screams. Jorah tells her boys want to have fun. Daenerys claims all the women for herself.
Mongol Khan Drogo hears complaints from horny men and summons Daenerys to the ram statue with a pile of cut off heads. She says it's true and that men should marry them first. Daenerys gets challenged by a horny Mongol, who duels Mongol Khan Drogo but gets killed like a noob with his throat slashed and tongue ripped out through his throat. Mongol Khan Drogo is hurt and a slave woman offers to help. A Mongol mocks her but Daenerys scolds the Mongol and employs affirmative action. The slave woman is a surgeon. Mongol Khan Drogo is suspicious but loses frame and lets it happen.
At Winterfell, banners are getting drunk. Robb is exasperated. Mean words are said. Robb's wolf jumps and rips off half a guy's hand. Everybody laughs. Bran thinks they must be mad. Bran is asleep. Robb wakes him up and tells he's going south to rescue Neddard. Oh yeah, there's this kid Rickon in the show too.
Bran is outside and praying. The wiseass bum approaches and starts preaching. She says gods can answer prayers too. Hodor approaches and we see both his ass and front. I didn't need to see that.
At Trump's Wall, Jon Tron says only fire stops zombies. They sleep beneath the ice. Two corpses are being burned.
Catelyn Janeway meets up with Robb and talks to him alone. She retells the story of how he was a helpless, screaming baby at one point. Gee, thanks mom. Robb shows her Sansa's letter. Robb has 18k men. Catelyn Janeway says he has to win or Neddard, Arya, Sansa and everyone else dies. Gee, thanks mom.
Tyrion is brought back to Lannister camp by the Vikings, who walk in armed. Tywin greets them dryly and scolds Tyrion, who learns of the news: king dead, Neddard captured etc. Tywin hears Robb is moving. Vikings are asked to join Tywin's forces, which they will do only if Tyrion comes along. Great, more contrived comic relief.
In Robb's camp, a Lannister spy is brought in. Robb orders the spy released. The half-handed fool calls him "boy", at which point Robb almost snaps.
Neddard is barely moving in the dungeon. Sansa enters the throne room while Master Pycelle drones on about something. Tywin is appointed Hand of the king. Cersei retires Sir Barristan and replaces him with Jamie. Joffrey tells him he's too old. Sir Barristan throws a temper tantrum and starts getting naked. Everyone does a shiiiiing but Ser Barristan throws down his sword on the floor and walks out. Sansa speaks up. She kneels before Cersei and asks for Neddard's life. Master Pycele starts droning again. Joffrey tells him to shut up. Sansa is emotional and leverages her relationship with Joffrey to try and patch things up. It works – Neddard only has to bend the knee.