Heavy breathing. Neddard. Torch. Varys again. His balls were cut off with a hot knife. I didn't need to know that. Varys offers a deal: bend the knee and you'll be let to live. Neddard finally shows a spine. Varys wants him to "SERVE THE REALM". Sean Bean says he's ready to do what Sean Bean does best.
Raven. Critical hit with an arrow. It was carrying a message from Walder Frey, the keeper of a river crossing. Robb has to beg for a favor from this old pedo. Catelyn Janeway volunteers as a tribute.
Catelyn Janeway is inside. Old pedo is fondling a girl. A whole gallery of bastards and children is watching. Old pedo shouts them out and slaps the girl's ass. She's 15. He's a pedo. Catelyn Janeway asks for a favor and then threatens the old pedo. Might have worked with the Borg Queen but not here.
Jon is given a sword, Longclaw. It is Valyrian steel. It was meant for Jorah. Zombie hand has been sent to Joffrey. Jon is sent out for supper. People literally pat him on the back. Boys in the cafeteria want Jon to take it out and show it. Boys start chanting. Jon does a shiiiiing and just gives it to the boys. Jon Tron has bad news: Robb is heading south.
Catelyn Janeway goes back to Robb. She secured the crossing. Probably gave some to the old pedo but she says Robb has to marry old pedo's daughter after the fight. Better die, Robb.
Trump's Wall. Jon is given some wisdom by the rickety birdkeeper, who turns out to be Aemon Targaryen. Wait, who? He tells Jon to stay or go of his own accord. Gee, thanks rickety birdkeeper.
Mongol Khan Drogo is sick. He can barely sit in the saddle. He falls down. The wound from the duel got infected. Daenerys covers for him. Mongol officers challenge him and her.
Tywin's camp. Tyrion again. Tywin breaks the fourth wall by saying Tyrion's plotline is contrived and puts him to the front lines due to having Plot Armor. Tyrion does stand-up. Tywin says, "My tent, my rules". Tyrion storms out and slams the tent flap. He's back to his tent. Finally, Bronn. He found some woman, obviously a whore. Tyrion does some Chad stand-up. The whore mounts him.
Mongol Khan Drogo has a fever. He's delirious. Jorah delivers exposition – Mongol Khan Drogo has until tonight. Surgeon slave woman comes in. Daenerys is reminded her avocados still aren't ripe. Daenerys remembers this woman is called "a witch" in the script for a reason. The witch actually does know a spell. Oh, the coincidences just keep piling up. A horse needs to be sacrificed. The horse rears. The witch throws some flash powder into the brazier. All of sudden, we're acquainted with blood magic, where people can be revived if a horse gets sacrificed. Breed horses for infinitely respawning warriors, anyone? We'll see a horse get slain, right? Yep. Jorah protects the tent during the rite. Kills a Mongol (checks wiki) named "Qotho ". Jorah does Iron Man 2 with his armor. Daenerys goes into labor. Nobody wants to help her. Jorah carries her inside the tent.
Tyrion can barely hold back his laughter. The whore is burning him with a candle, which Tyrion can't handle. Bronn is there too. Good time is had by all. Bronn recommends a Braavosi game. Tyrion recommends a game from the Exposition Islands: he says something about a person and if he's right, the person drinks. The whore ruins the game. The scene really drags on. Jesus Christ on a piece of burnt toast, the scene drags on.
Bronn wakes Tyrion up, "You're sleeping through the war" and tosses the Plot Armor at him. Tyrion does Iron Man 2 with it and gathers his Vikings. They run him over and he's out. Tyrion is being dragged as he comes to. Bronn is there. It was only a 2,000 men detachment. Wilhelm screams in the distance. Tywin approaches and sneers at Tyrion.
Catelyn Janeway is happy. Robb is back. He's got Jamie Lannister! Catelyn Janeway asks for her daughters. Jamie suggests a duel to end the war. Robb refuses and gives a speech about saving Sean Bean. Yeah, about that...
Arya catches a pigeon and twists its neck. She wants to get some pastry but hasn't got the money. It's empty carbs, Arya, pigeon is a keto-friendly choice. Arys finds out her dad is about to get a haircut. Sean Bean emerges from the dungeon. He sees Arya. Sean Bean bends the knee, confesses to treason, accepts Joffrey as true king but gets a haircut anyway. Arya didn't look. It's all over.