An ideal relationship would be one between two partners, self-sustainable persons who enter into the relationship willingly and in a sound state of mind. In this way, they both build themselves and inspire the other person to build itself. When they decide to end this kind of partnership, there is a mutual understanding and a sort of efficiency about it that disassembles everything binding them without pain or anguish.
If you enter a relationship with a crummy partner, you're likely to develop some negative preconceptions about what a relationship is meant to look like. Instead of being self-sustainable, you either dominate or are dominated. The breakup with a crummy person is messy, painful and chaotic, having a devastating effect on a young person's mind and spilling over into everything they do for years or decades.
When I was a young adult, I met this girl. We sort of fell in love, held hands, kissed and I fingered her. It all seemed great, except that she started pulling away soon after, which will later turn out to be caused by her friends butting in with their stupid opinions about me. Whatever I said or did was irrelevant, she would put up a wall and refuse all of my arguments. She soon after accused me of doing drugs and I had to break it off.
What I didn't know back then was that she was simply a crummy partner, most likely through no fault of her own. It took me years to recover from this idea that something is wrong with me and that it was my fault for things going sour. I started gambling and overindulging in food in an attempt to give myself some positive emotion when all it took was a realization that I'm just fine as a person and should find someone to match me. I don't blame her – most likely, it was nobody's fault and things were just crummy from the start.
What I wish someone had told me back then was that not all people are equally fit for a relationship. Note how here I'm not just talking about romance but also business, friendship and so on. Some people are simply crummy partners and there's nothing we can do about it except identify them and move on the greener pastures. It's not our obligation to fix anyone or anything at our own expense; we should simply take care of ourselves to make the world a better place.
I wish my father (or anyone else for that matter) had told me about this; it would have saved me so much heartbreak and anguish. To be fair, I would have saved so much money on gambling and food too. Anyway, going through all of it was a valuable lesson in that we should choose our partners carefully. Again, note how I worded that idea – we're meant to find partners, not masters or slaves. The key word in a partnership is "we", not "you" or "me". We go out to eat; we kiss; we have sex.
Once you've experienced a fruitful relationship with a worthy partner, you'll quickly see just how childish it was to mope over a crummy one. In fact, you'll wonder how it was possible that you overlooked the glaring signs of a crummy partner, the most important of which is – making you feel miserable. If you find yourself watching perverted porn, that's also a sign you've been hurt by a crummy partner, meaning your mind is trying to act out the crummy sex life you think you deserve.
You simply have to observe your emotions and, if they are in turmoil or you feel wretched, it's because of a crummy partner. There are no better signals for a bad relationship than feeling crummy during and afterwards. Observe yourself and find a group of friends that will honestly talk to you about it, "Hey, you seem in bad shape. What's going on?" The ultimate solution for all of this anguish is just confiding in someone and getting fair feedback.
Whenever you meet someone, be polite and reserved, letting the other person show its true colors. If you pay close attention, you will hear the other person reveal its intentions with you. For example, one woman I met told me that I should be hurt to experience true love and then invited me over to her place for a cup of coffee. What do you imagine she wanted to do? Perhaps to make things sexual before throwing me out butt naked on the street?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but if I were my own parent, I'd be finding great partners for my kid and talking to him about relationships and partnerships instead of just handwaving the entire topic with "all women suck" or something to that effect. We need this wisdom of how to find partners and how to become a worthwhile partner ourselves or we're doomed to a hellish existence of solitude dotted with miserable relationships. I don't need an inoculation against measles—I need one against crummy partners!
Just listen to people and be cautious. If someone tells you she intends to hurt you, keep your distance. That's not a proper partner and spending time with such people will ruin you for years to come but you might still be able to extract value from such a relationship. The saddest part is that these crummy people seem to take pleasure from ruining kind, beautiful people, such as those reading this text and trying to better themselves.