As Mel Gibson famously said: "FREEEEEDOOOOOM!" It's an innate human desire to want to be more free, as in, to have more choices. What I discovered in January 2020 is that there's already an articulation of that desire in a single word – emancipation.
Online Etymology Dictionary writes for the word "emancipate" that it hails from Latin "ex" + "manus" + "capere", meaning "out, away" + "hand" + "grasp" or "away from hand's grasp". The legal section of TheFreeDictionary.com goes into greater detail on the concept, stating that:
The act or process by which a person is liberated from the authority and control of another person. The term is primarily employed in regard to the release of a minor by his or her parents (...)
There is no determinate age when a child becomes emancipated; it usually, but not automatically, occurs upon the attainment of the age of majority.
In theory, you should become emancipated on your 18th birthday but that moment typically turns out to change absolutely nothing in your relationship with the father figure that's had and continues to have a firm grasp on who you are and what you're allowed to do. What's necessary for emancipation is a determined mindset, a skillset that makes you an independent adult and just a little bit of encouragement.
Throughout history, fathers had absolute dominion over their estate, which included children and spouses. This was again defined in Latin as "patria potestas", the absolute ownership of children and wife, who could be exposed to any punishment at any moment, disowned or put to death without the father suffering any ill consequences. For dependants, such life is one of uncertainty, paranoia and constant drama that paralyzes them.
When feminists rail against the "patriarchy", which is again related to the idea of a father figure dominating over the subservient dependants, they are actually trying to articulate this idea of emancipation but do so without knowing the legal background or human psychology. Patria potestas isn't something that any given man is doing, it's the notion of absolute domination over someone, and genders are irrelevant. You can be dominated by a council of genderfluid rainbow unicorns and it's still the same patria potestas principle as if it were your father.
Institutions can also attempt to seize a person's body and will, as happens with the prison system that gobbles up young men and women. This disembodied father figure still exercises the same patria potestas as if it were a real man, and the consequences are exactly the same – life filled with uncertainty, paranoia and constant control so one can be exposed to any punishment at any moment.
I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but I've lived through it and speak from personal experience – parents enforce strict parental control to traumatize their children because they're afraid of loneliness and want obedient servants in old age. For the average parent, having a child has more to do with, "Who is going to take care of me and keep me company when I'm old?" than genuinely wanting to give birth to and cultivate a person that can heal or help the world and then doing his best to emancipate it. If you've been abused, it was all on purpose, to keep you broken and frozen.
In my experience, strict parental control, let alone abuse, leads to the child becoming literally lobotomized, as in, unable to think, feel or speak as it's able to. I remember that for me this occurred sometime around 14-15 years of age, when my father started with verbal and emotional abuse. I'm telling you—mean words hurt as much as a knife to the heart but take time to truly hurt because the sheer magnitude of the injury is unfathomable and takes some time to manifest. For so many parents, including my father, wounding their child is a carefully planned out strategy meant to turn it docile, obedient and completely paralyzed with fear, panic and self-doubt.
It's only when I moved out that I felt the old me coming back, at first in glimpses but then in higher and higher resolution until I felt relaxed, at ease and without self-doubt. Not just that, but my memories were coming back too and I could all of a sudden recall what I was doing during a certain year. If you feel like you've forgotten some part of your life, it's because you were abused during it.
If words can hurt, can they heal? Now that's an interesting question, one we should try to answer with as much detail as possible. In theory, if words could heal, what would happen if you heard one such word? How would you recognize it? Well, if all mean words are intense, then all the kind words would be the opposite, meaning relaxed and soothing. I can think of a couple kind words right away, such as "thanks", "good day", "all the best" and "welcome". How can you tell if they're working? Your memory will start coming back.
All of a sudden, we've gotten a proactive strategy, where we no longer want to avoid mean words but want to find kind words and reply in kind. I actually had this happen to me, when one of my clients sent me over a request for revision, dotting it with "please", "thank you" and topping it with a ":)". I said how that request was the nicest one I ever got, addressed each of his points and added my own kindness. It felt – good. Actually, it gave me such a reference experience that only then did I realize just how easy it is to be polite, kind and pleasant to others and how much it helps them. As we build these positive relationships, we exchange kindness, which overflows and radiates. People want to be a part of this kind of exchange; they don't know why but they want to experience it.
I never understood why any reasonable man would ever want to dominate over his children until I became emancipated and had conversations with younger people – the temptation is too great for an average man to resist. The father figure essentially gets a free slave that can be shamed or threatened into complete obedience, and unless the father figure has saintly qualities, that's bound to happen sooner or later. The same applies to the prison system as well, which sees rambunctious men and women and just binds them into slavery under the excuse of making the society a better place. It sure started out with good intentions but became the exact same patria potestas as 2,000 years ago.
The unbalanced relationship where one party has all the power blocks the growth for everyone involved. If I were to raise a kid of my own, I'd constantly be encouraging it to become emancipated as soon as possible; the temptation for me to dominate my kid would quickly become overwhelming and I don't know if I would be able to stop myself. It's so tragic but at least I'm being honest about it. Parents, encourage your kids to become emancipated. Kids, strive to become emancipated.
Whatever maximizes your choices is what will ultimately lead you to emancipation but if you're not aware that you have free will and that it can withstand patria potestas to direct your life where you want to, you'll never maximize your choices. Whatever infringes on your free will, including addictions and habits, is what ultimately brings you back into a state of subservience to another, whoever it might be. Analyze your habits, try to stay constantly present and don't succumb to old behavior patterns.
Whoever you are, whatever you might be doing, I wish you to exercise your free will, work on your skillset, whatever it is, and keep a steady course to maximize your choices and become emancipated from all father figures in your life. Don't flee from mean words but find kind words to heal you. Build kind relationships and exchange kindness to see the real you come back. All you need is a little bit of encouragement, so here it is – I've done it and it feels amazing.