What exactly goes through a person's mind when you're being friendly? I've done some experiments in practice and some thought experiments and came to rather interesting conclusions. In short, people who don't know you become wary and close up but those who do become more trusting and open.
I grew up thinking I'm supposed to be mega-friendly to everyone. I remember saying "good day" to older people who just passed me by without giving me a glance. I had no idea what I was doing wrong but I kept making mistakes. I especially tried being friendly to my father, who was either absent or distant. Predictably, what happened when I finally unglued myself from such a dreadful relationship was total shock in the face of the real world and relationships people had in it, in particular when I tried using the same methods I taught myself with my father.
What I know now is that friendliness is a sign of weakness in front of people who don't know you. People in the service industry, such as cashiers, have to be friendly because their job depends on it but everyone else is under no obligation to be friendly; they may and will respond to friendliness with snark, hate, rage or plain evasion. People can notice when you're feigning friendliness without a cause and will shirk away from you, without necessarily being able to explain what or why they're doing. I believe this is the major cause of the "friendzone" symptom. Also, friendliness is a sign of subservience in front of powerful people or just people with more status than oneself.
In my mind, it's clear that a society which wanted to keep the younger generation in check would enforce friendliness and politeness towards the elders. That would drain the young ones' energy, status and serve as an indicator of rebellion. This kind of societal norm would serve those on top, which in this case would be the elders. The more I thought about this forced friendliness, the more I realized there are negative examples, such as cults, that fit the bill perfectly.
People who have escaped cults can easily recognize what I just described, which is best summed up as "love bombing". You are shown total affection, hugged, kissed, embraced and showered with love. That is, while you keep doing what the elder approves of. Multi-level marketers are another example, in particular their ring-a-bell show where the best marketer gets to ring a bell while everyone else applauds and fakes a smile.
So, when can friendliness actually come in handy? If you find someone who is genuinely friendly without having to be so, you too can and should respond with friendliness. The outcome would be a genuinely kind and warm relationship, where you both compete who is going to serve the other more and better. As you keep interacting, you find new ways to be friendly. That, my friends, is called romance and we don't have any inkling of how much we're missing in our instant, superficial and sex-fueled relationships.
Someone looking from the outside would have no idea what's going on but the participants would know it — they are curbing their egos and creating a pleasant, humble and generous relationship. On top of this relationship, a true love could and will blossom, given enough time. But, in front of everyone else it's necessary to wear a mask of unapproachable coldness that shields us from criticism, nasty rumors and all sorts of attack.
I actually tried this out in practice. What I would do is stop greeting anyone who is in any way obliged to be polite until they greeted me first. So, I would use much less energy than them and wouldn't even bother sharing personal details or any information on my life unless prompted. Even then, I would make a pause and think about what I was saying.
I immediately felt more centered and more cool. Perhaps "cool" isn't the right word but I definitely sensed that my presence in the moment was increased at no additional energy expense. Instead of trying more, I tried less and it produced amazing results. It dawned on me that I am not meant to say "good day" to more people but to less and even then to those who greet me first.
I did have a good chat with a gas pump cashier who commented on my ice tea choice. I immediately felt the words flow out of me and we quipped about nonsense to each other. That felt good, or rather, natural and normal. I have no idea who that cashier was but I did feel a connection with him, the kind I never felt with people with whom I tried forcing a connection.
I also immediately realized how PUA (pick-up artists) messed up the concept and represented it as either being a total asshole or being the regional clown who makes people laugh. To say that they fucked the concept up would be an understatement. It's a massive distortion of the idea that could lead a young person without healthy friends or family astray.
People who tried acting like RSD Tyler, meaning with high energy and a forced strong voice, would look like they're on drugs and get vocal fatigue. I know because I tried both of those and it didn't pan out. If you try being mega-friendly like RSD Tyler, you'll be derided as a clown on drugs and nobody will genuinely accept you or treat you with humility. I know because I tried it for years. It might work for him but it doesn't work anywhere else in the world.
I also tried cracking jokes on Twitter, where I did get some laughs and traction but eventually my account stopped getting any replies, likes, shares or interaction at all. I checked my account through an online analysis tool and discovered it was being demoted in feeds due to exhibiting signals of abusive behavior. Most likely, people hid my replies because they didn't like them or like me. There's no forcing anyone to like me, it's just what it is.
One kid even told me that I am scaring him, which was the most honest piece of feedback I ever got in my life. I was turning into a clown, a scary, despicable and vile clown who moms use to frighten their kids before bedtime. That's not where I want to be or where I imagine myself at any point in the future. I still got a few follows but I believe those were mostly bots since they had little to no activity of their own.
You can't force anyone to be friendly to you but you also can't and shouldn't force yourself to be friendly to others who haven't merited it in any way. By staying distant, you can actually save your energy, not get involved in trite drama and let people approach you. You can observe people and let them show who they are without doing pretty much anything. That immediately puts them in a lower status but then you can compensate by being mega-friendly towards them if they open up.
I started this article out thinking I was going to mope and cope but I don't find myself concluding it that way. I am in no way more cynical but simply more guarded and careful with what I say and to whom. I did hear a comment from my cousin that I sound sad and that I've lost my optimism I had in the past few months or years. I don't feel sadder but I do understand what he meant — I am no longer as explosive with sharing my energy as I used to be.