Many men and boys lack intimacy. Not just that, but they don't know what intimacy is and how to reach it. After a lot of pondering, I arrived at a way to define intimacy and how to reach it in a safe, non-intrusive way. Yes, by this I mean sex as the ultimate form of intimacy.
One tenet of acting towards others is that we should give them enough space to live undisturbed. For each person, this amount of space varies, so we should observe others, notice signs of discomfort and move away if we notice they're becoming disturbed. I didn't realize this when I was a kid, but this means that, since everyone applies this tenet in practice without knowing how to articulate it, people were backing away from me because I showed signs of being disturbed, when I actually needed some intimacy.
To be intimate, two people need to voluntarily agree to minimize the distance between them. This means they aren't experiencing any discomfort with one another. The ultimate intimacy is sex, which also involves a feeling of vulnerability. So, if you're looking for intimacy, you need to learn how to:
Start by observing how people sit and walk. Their posture, their position and their demeanor will immediately indicate if they're laying a claim on the surrounding area or they wouldn't mind sharing their space. When others watch you, they will try figuring out your internal state, mainly by looking at your signs of discomfort, such as plucking your hair or biting your lip.
The infamous meme of "manspreading" in subways, buses and trains loops back to this notion that men will typically take up much more space than they need, at which point others should ask them to fold in their limbs. The problem is that women are too timid to ask these things if they've been oversocialized so they resort to passive-aggressive shaming. If you need to enter someone's space, be polite and don't use force.
The more unnerved a person acts, the more likely it is that entering that person's space will trigger a violent, defensive reaction. Your goal is to figure out the person's internal state and act accordingly. If the person is mad, angry, bitter or in some other negative mood, you should back away and give it enough space. For example, you can say: "Hi" and based off the response (or lack thereof) you'll immediately know what's going to happen if you try sharing the same space.
I do the nervous ticks all the time, which likely shows to others I am too antsy to be approached. Sitting straight, putting both heels on the ground and keeping shoulders relaxed should help you minimize the show of discomfort. If you can breathe rhythmically, that's even better. There's no magical solution to resolving discomfort, but I did find spending time outdoors helped, as did physical activity.
When I first started doing this research into personal space and intimacy, I realized that even staring counts as an invasion of personal space. People will detect stares and react to them as if though they are touches or assaults. You should learn how to ignore people around you and just register them briefly. You should be aware that there's someone somewhere near you but that's about it. Don't stare, because that's rude and provocative.
As I was trying this approach, I realized how my traumatic childhood made me jumpy, paranoid and nervous beyond all expectations. I would be standing in an empty basketball field and I'd hear footsteps or chatter 30 meters behind me, which would make my stomach knot and make me jump around to face the threat. There was no threat, only two people walking by and chatting, not paying any attention to me at all. What trauma did to me is that it made me too sensitive to physical distance of the abuser and then that sensitivity remained with me as I interacted with others.
The way I'd explain why I was so anxious all the time is that visual stimulation processing activates a lot of the brain. So, if I'm constantly looking around at stuff, I would be wasting a lot of energy and causing myself a lot of mental fatigue. It's so weird that I'm saying this but it's true – I learned to trust that people around me won't hurt or abuse me and my anxiety started subsiding. Ideally, I want to sense the presence of others with my peripheral vision but not the central one.
I mentioned the idea of saying "hi" to others to gauge their internal state. You can also try making brief eye contact and breaking it off. If the other person wishes to seek more eye contact with you, you will notice it with your peripheral vision. Then, you can resume eye contact and perhaps smile. If the other person smiles back, then you might approach and say, "Hi". In this way, you can slowly ramp up the intensity of your presence, without freaking the other person out or making a scene.
Intimacy means being vulnerable around people you know won't hurt you. Saying the truth is also a big part of intimacy and vulnerability. Try telling the raw truth to the simplest questions, such as "what is the time?" Don't let your mind do the fuzzy logic, where it rounds, estimates and guesses. Be precise, speak what you mean and mean what you say. Those who hurt you when you're vulnerable should be given some distance.
You will have to learn how to build intimacy, but now you at least some idea how to do it. Keep your distance, don't skip over anything and gradually find someone with whom you can build a vulnerable relationship. Maintain privacy and secrecy of everything you share. Do not allow your secrets be let out in the open.