Malice is defined by The Free Dictionary as "a desire to harm others or to see others suffer; extreme ill will or spite". As someone who has spent a lot of time around malicious people, I can explain why it's so important to treat signs of malice as directly life-threatening.
In short, there's no negotiating with malicious people, and they are malicious exactly because they never negotiate. In their world, it's always their ideas; anyone who opposes must be henpecked to death, and they will do it if you let them. The core goal of malicious people is fighting for energy by intentionally causing energy-intense scenes to make you lose control over yourself.
In my case, I had two brothers (younger and older) and a father who would show signs of malice. The most devastating thing is that 99% of the time they acted within reason, but that 1% of the time, which was most often at random, they would show sheer malice.
Me acting the same way they did would cause them a nervous meltdown and their undying, seething hatred. It's kind of funny when I realize it — giving them a smidge of what they considered customary when treating me would devastate their ego but I had to refrain from it or risk becoming the same. So, what did they do?
Their malice manifested as:
My father, for instance, jokingly offered to sell me, as in, literally told complete strangers they can buy me for money when I was a kid. My older brother wanted me to wash the collars of his crummy shirts, despite earning enough money to pay rent, buy a new PC, lead a decent life, or just buy a new one. My younger brother demanded that I scratch his smelly feet and his back to calm him down before bedtime.
There was never any acknowledgment, contrition, or gratitude for any of those acts. In fact, whatever happened was promptly forgotten, unless it could be spun to continue the abuse. Bringing it up would inevitably lead to them twisting my words, calling me crazy, and ganging up on me.
In all three relationships, I was the appeaser, meaning the person who bends over backward and swallows his pride to keep the situation under wraps. When my younger brother brought home a girlfriend, I was expected to appease her as well. What I found funny was that she asked me if I would babysit her child, to which I asked: "How much would you pay me?" That seemed to have been a grave insult, after which they both started giving me the cold shoulder.
At that time, I was working on my freelancing career, which didn't sit well with anyone in the family, as I was suddenly becoming a man of means and gains. The designated retard was now someone who could rent his own place, buy his own food, fix his teeth, and so on. Obviously, that had to be dealt with by sapping my time and energy on raising a child of two people, one of whom could barely hide his loathing of me. I don't doubt the child would also be initiated in the same cycle of malice and abuse I went through to become an abuser and would be prodded to constantly provoke me.
In my mind, if I'm babysitting, that can only be if my time is respected and my services are cherished. I don't have to be paid with money, but the notion that malicious people never even try to negotiate stuck with me. She could have said: "I'll pay you with hugs." That would have made me immeasurably happy, but no, it's all or nothing with malicious people. The more I think about it, the more I realize they make things unnecessarily difficult, presumably so they can feed off of the resulting tension.
At a later family gathering with a dozen or so people, the younger brother got drunk and started threatening me, to which only a neighbor who I've seen 2–3 times in my life responded by trying to defuse the situation. My father? He tsk-tsked from the other side of the room but didn't lift a finger to stop the abuse; he immediately goes into papa wolf mode if I say anything back, let alone try to stop the accidental bumps and shoulder checks.
I turned to the brother's girlfriend and said: "Can you see what I've been swallowing all these years?" to which she replied without hesitation: "Well, swallow some more!" Despite hitting off to what seemed like a wonderful relationship with her, at that point I saw the same burst of malice I saw throughout my family and knew there's no use trying. She is unapologetically self-serving and would trample over anything, especially me, to get whatever she wants.
In another instance, the older brother, who I lived with for some time because he offered me a way out of the father's abuse, would send me off to do chores and buy food for us both. What he didn't tell me is that he would buy proper food for himself, squirrel it in his room, and eat in secret while I subsisted on the equivalent of gruel, which he pretended to eat with me.
I discovered this when he ordered me to clean his room for the arrival of his girlfriend; under his bed I found greasy fast food packaging that he was too horny to ditch in time. The fact we supposedly didn't have money was, of course, my fault, despite him promising he would take care of us both. He would also turn off the heating while I was at home; for his girlfriend we fired up the heating to the max.
When he brought her home, I was sent off with her to the supermarket. She was given the equivalent of $150 in local currency and brought home a bounty; in comparison, I would normally be given $0.7 to buy gruel for me and my brother. You don't know humiliation until you've had to buy 100g of flesh from the butcher's.
Naturally, the girlfriend's feast was followed by a barrage of remarks from my brother — "look at what a real cook can do" and "mmm, so yummy, compared to what you make". I later interrupted her as she was counting cash on the bed. As I suspected, my older brother was wealthy but none of it would ever go to me, no matter what I did or said.
When I started earning, that was somehow still not enough. I recall getting wired some money through Western Union for a text I wrote. That made me ecstatic; for my older brother, that was worth a snort and a condescending: "That will do, for now. From now on, you won't be leaving the apartment and will give me your ID so I can get the money for you." When I heard that, I realized I'd be made into a total slave so I bailed out.
A few years later, he tried weaseling back into my life. I told him about the abuse and malice he inundated me with, to which he replied with a spate of smileys and a string of insults. I was crazy, ungrateful, and caused him trouble with my sudden leaving. Don't I realize how hurt he was? He depended on me! Everything was about to turn around but because I left, I disrupted his life.
My father's malice manifested in terms of hard labor. I was expected to not just do menial tasks but also those clearly not suited for one person. For example, I was expected to chop firewood with a dull axe, because that would somehow build my character? I still feel the numbness in my right hand from all that dreadful work.
When I started earning money, I paid the local disgraced dad the equivalent of $5 to chop the firewood and he actually did it for an entire day. I didn't say anything to my father, I believe my side glance was enough. I also remembered there is a log splitting machine for rent; all I'd need was someone to feed it logs and $10–20, most of it for food and drinks while you collectively gush at the machine in action.
Still, I like to believe that I have remained benevolent enough to give other people the benefit of the doubt. I am much more aware of the feedback everyone is giving me. I also ask people for their opinion and input and wait for the proper time to talk about a topic.
I try to provide feedback to the person that spreads malice, but only if I feel the situation is appropriate. If that isn't working, I will not allow myself to depend on that person or allow it to exert any influence in my life. In short, malice is like hot embers — they're best kept at a distance in a controlled environment.
Narcissism appears to be the best possible defense against malice and abuse in general. By glorifying a person when just a child, we imbue it with a sense of personal worth. The child should also be taught how to be humble, grateful, and so on, but the core idea is teaching it how to reject all malice as soon as it appears by valuing itself more than anyone else.
It strikes me as odd that total strangers expect me to be narcissistic and are freaked out when I'm not. I tried it and it felt good. For example, I walk down the street without making eye contact with anyone, unless there is a reason for it. If there is, I deal with it and move on. I act with dignity, demand respect, and refuse ultimatums and mistreatment.
I am an independent person working on my life's mission. All three men are cowards with frail egos that block them from admitting fault, showing respect, or receiving criticism.
If you recognize that a person of authority in your life acts with malice, your priority should be to remove yourself and your belongings to a safe place. Record or document all conversations with the malicious person to stay sane and prove to others what was happening. If you receive credible threats, report them to the police and be ready to support them with evidence.
My family's malice caused me to become a cynical, petty person, from which I had to decompress for years after. Thankfully, I never acted like they did in return, which inspires me to strive to a better standard of behavior. As for my brothers, I have a firm belief they will live the kind of life they deserve and that they have made for themselves. I hope that will hold true for me as well.